Grateful

Tis the season of gratitude
I am so grateful I’m not entangled with you
Thankful I never gave my heart to you
Your self hatred directed at the Light
Aware on some level it might enlighten you
Wisdom is poured into your ears like soul medicine
You spit it out and vomit words of war
I’m so thankful you’re so far from my periphery, though I pray you find Reality
I pity your petty conclusions, the hurts they inadequately cover
The illusions of control, of the arrogant
I’ve been here before
Wouldn’t join you for the ride if you asked me (but you won’t now)
Still I try one last attempt to save your sinking ship
Watch you sink f/the shore
You searched your whole life in vain
For this country, this paradise, deny love, God, no freedom even to dream
You searched for what you could not say
Peace eternal
My peace is free from your confusion

Ode to the lost

Ode to the lost, I’ve been there before
I refused the bouquet at the banquet door
Trudged the high road, the other way so clever
Worship the mirror, the self, like a child, like an evil fairy tale step mother
Murder the child like faith in magic, in something simple, something more

Talk to fools who have it all figured out at age 30
When you bring them freshly picked blossoms of love
They throw it on the ground and stamp on smiling petals
No eyes to see
Nor ears to hear
Understanding as far as fingertips go
Like one blinded in a fog
The smog of collective and personal history

He’s a coward after all
Too afraid to trudge in the stench, the muck of it
To spend time in the murky swamp and find clarity
In that clearing, in that cleansing you realize
It found you

Vibrate Familiarity w/in Me

You vibrate familiarity w/in me
Meant to be like a harmonious hymn
Meet then parted, like a broken invocation
The space between us--I admit I doubted and continued on
Never doubted the feelings, the beginnings of

Those precious moments together
A secret treasure
Fantasy source of pleasure

Surprise me slightly
Dreamed and prophesized of you mightily
Not well enough to know if the ending is happy
Happiness is us together, a family
When you are off rambling alone
I wonder if you fairer better
If thoughts of me blow south
To land upon your island atoll
Difficult to rinse off like salt and sand on your skin

If you question letting me go
I won’t convince you otherwise
Remind you of shadows of what could be
Throw open the curtains of reality
Reality is what we choose it to be
So come back to me
And my love, receive it
Rest and believe in it

Sensing Direction

What happened to me?
That I’d disregard hope given?
Argue the inner spark into submission
Control the spiral of imagination’s desire
Dampen the burning fire
Who is he in me? The secret man in the woman
Lord Fantasy, this restless carefree
Artisan w/unrealized ambition
On the quest, the search for thrills, seeking wisdom
Carefully ponder the passing feeling
Up and down they’re fleeting

In this beginning of unknowns and undecided
Sensing direction, fear being misguided
Along the way of simply enjoying the ride
Slowing down to merge w/ the tide
Ebb and flow is this dance
Grateful for the chance
You came to knock down my walls
Crumbling I panic at the openness
Rush to rebuild the labyrinth fortress
I’ve paused to leave one small gate open
So notice and cherish
I left the glint of hope in

Your wavering my reward

In my tardiness I know you’d be there
Waiting into yourself w/eyes closed
Turning inward into everything
Creatures of routine
Change it for a while and feel a little loss
Each finding freedom in the space between
Finding each other
My soul seeks you out among the multitudes
Intuitively hide from it, like shading your eyes from the sun
There’s no escaping me
Hide inside and come to the end of yourself

When your humility catches up w/ your vain pretense
I already feel your regret
Burning like a middle age fever
(By then my cowboy would have ridden by
Pulling me on his saddle)
So I take the sunset credits rolling
Stash that sunset in my back pocket
Your wavering my reward

The Glen of Me

No choice but to sleep
No choice but to hope in the best
No choice but to work for others and deny myself the rest
The best is to wait
Not force the hand
But if I had the power I’d put my mouth on yours
Breathe into you, make you understand
Close enough to smell the mix of beast w/ human
Take it from there, savoring skin
Let you get as ravenous as me
Surprise you w/piety
Teach you of divine fidelity
Have you be the hunter in the glen of me

Your nice to admire for a while

Your nice to admire for a while, long enough to do the trick
But to really make me tick, let’s be real
These hints that you’re so superior, open my inner umbrella
I’ll outlast the next vanity downpour
Until the Other arrives and finds me in his eyes just fine

Pour salt on my wounds and it tickles
Inflame me w / your lack of substantial response
Keep this up and the warrior paint appears
I’ll take you down like an ancient tree, climb on your trunk
Breathe forest fire onto your cool leaves
Blacken you w/ scars of lightening
Lose your leaves, lose all sense of the season
The reason it all had to end this way
Make you into my campfire
Warm me until the morning and be nothing but the next day’s ashes

Like Jesus I’ll curse the fig tree that refuses to produce fruit or shade me
Useless tree, so full of himself
So sure of his own coverings
I pity your bride unable to really cover
Really be enough comfort to one so clever

School Girl BF

I cherished you like my own self
Adored your quirks, marveled at your uniqueness
Defend you against clueless jerks, while loving your faults w/tenderness
I gladly shared w/you my own lover
Nursed your firstborn as my own
My best friend, co-conspirator
I miss singing w/you most of all
The mt drives to nowhere
Just singing stuck in a cloud of harmony
I miss how you really knew me encouraged the potential in me
I left after your lies, just admit the truth and I’d never leave you
Forever champion you
Lie to me the last time, give me no choice after so many times

Embraces in Dreamtime

Could not live w/in the same proximity
Run everywhere into you in that mountain city
Uproot to another country
You find me in my dreams, in the shadows of my home
I expect to find you at my door if I get up to open it
I expect a long delayed message

The years of estrangement and abstinence mask hidden fidelity
I’m ever faithful to the truth, the effect of you on body memory
I know you act contrary to me, bed everyone in your periphery
Rid yourself unsuccessfully of me

You came into my dream again
Peace between us
I almost expect you to take a plane over the ocean and find my front door
Unlike the many times before
That time and separation might of turned you into a superhero
Confident, whole, forgiven and ready to father
Wishful thinking for familiar reconciliation
The blessings of higher powers have laid their hands and anointed me
I’ve come full circle turned inside out
Find freedom taking responsibility
For my culpability
Rejecting you again in your need

I never loved you, ‘tho I tried, I wanted to
I was young and resented all the times I tried harder than you
Seeped into my whole view, seeped into yours too
Now after looking back, like Zeus and the top ten f/Olympus
Look down on mortals, I can scan through the nebulosity and sympathize
Go back to your need masked by Minotaur disguise
Take your hand lead you out of the labyrinth of your torture
Follow the string and unwind everything
Keep it from spinning out of control, keep us together for our Persephone
Go back to your need, your fear,
Care not only for your body, your hungers to feed or your company
But really attend to your inner journey
Love you in your state of emergency

I didn’t understand the contest of needs
Whose need was more precedent
All childishness, immaturity
I wish I could go back w/recent insight
For one night and sooth your soul
Give up my control
Really love you, love the broken fragments back together
Your lawyer called it a ‘lover’s tiff’ but it was worse
The annexation of a broken generation
I’d go back to a lover’s tiff if you’re willing to resume friendly relations

You were calling for help
I feel your tears through the space
Your soul fingers reach out and find me left handed
Feel the weight of choices on me, the good and bad what we never had
I smell it in the air, aware of peace
Aware for the first time of an inkling of your view
What you might be telling those close to you
How you rationalize abandoning your daughter
How you might poorly comfort yourself
When I’m here and for once fully equipped and willing
To offer you comfort

And our story is unbroken, untold and unfinished
Burning like tectonic plates beneath the surface of our consciousness
Soon eruptions of magma fountains will expand the shorelines
And bridge the gap between us
I’ll never give up on you the way you gave up on me

Dream of healing and what could have been
What’s happening, the beginning of my personal reconciliation
End the cosmic frustration, be this new creation
All these years I’ve processed forgiving you
It took an hour, a drive in the car, a chat w/ a star
To understand I had to forgive myself for turning my back on you
Being together in my dream, finding my true home
Chest on chest, rib on rib, the puzzle pieces reassembled
And all the inner particles regenerate

Living in Ghost Month

You ran like from a ghost avoid me
Like the plague
Almost comical this new energy I yield
Like psychic armor from the ardor of
Recent travel conquest

Feel the change in frequency
Eyes locked w/Medusa’s, this intimacy
She’s failed to reduce you to minerals

Run, run back to your motherland
Your head spinning, trying to understand
Unfinished conversations that’ll never be
Turn your back on growth, on opportunity
Your fear is real-
I’d eat you for breakfast and spit out the bones for the scavengers
(In the end you’d thank me
 For your new incarnation.)

Cosmic Gong in Gaelic

I dreamed of you before we met, before the journey of our introduction
Just a refrain from my psyche to my consciousness to awaken from this catatonic life
The folksong of betrothal and true love
I sang it on the stage of my dream in the melody of your presence
Then I dreamed of you again a medieval prince singing in Gaelic
Singing “Arise and Dress Yourself”
Just a refrain from my spirit to my awareness to awaken from this indifferent life
Your blond Queen mother sang harmony infusing you
You were glowing internally, enable you, filling you w/True Light
She a kind of conduit, a preparation hymn you were both kneeling and robed
Just a refrain from my essence to my realization, awaken from this introspective life

Our goodbye was like a cosmic gong, I was ripped open and exposed for what I am
A coward with many masks, armed for impending attack, like the princess in the tower
No one is here to throw their robe around me so I will follow your tune and dress myself
The vibration of the gong shifted my equilibrium, taught me I cant do this alone
I sit here and anticipate for safe people to bring me back to community

Fully born the day we parted

Fully born the day we parted
In gushing tears laced w/fears of being discovered premature
Relief in material excuse, any excuse to explain the public lamentation
I didn’t cry for lack of money, but lack of you, this comfortable camaraderie
You know me long enough
I care not for the visible, only divine communion
I stood like a crying statue
In front of the elephant sculpture 3 member family
Mirroring the moments of our like companionship

Question if it’s really you or what you symbolize, our lack
You dropped out of heaven like a brother and loved my daughter
How could not my core come all undone as old walls started to crumble?
Such a waste finding pride all this time in being self-contained
In this loneliness, this wasteland where I mother
Where my body and heart is buried and laid

Under your mosquito net

Allow myself under your mosquito net
Tell you all my secrets at your bedside
Like innocent children, sexless yet sensing it
Confess on the empty paradise beach my broken heartedness
Free from judgment or expectation, yet I expected consummation
Fear it like a plague, this intimacy
Need it like the earth needs morning dew upon it
Scratching the wounds being bit w/this togetherness
And all my bites are nearly healed, the last fragments of devotion

Zorastic Inclinations of Favor

Lets speak of significant pasts, others
Their souls like torn pages from an old yellowed book, out of print treasures
More like ghosts you cant speak of

Tickle your fears w/shared experience
I’ve mastered spirits that molested you
Exposed your Achilles weakness and tried to disable you
They are like flies I swat away
I’m given power from being so powerless
No need to fear in my company, humble authority
I’m brave enough for three
I’ve been living free
Even if its alone in virgin jungle territory

Sit down, take off your outer layers, get comfortable enough w/me
Let me feed and water you, quench immediate needs
Don’t be inhibited or care of protocols
Accept my offer, I give graciously

Listen to me share
Your interest, even half-hearted pulls me in
I wont ever reveal everything
Keep parts of me to myself consciously
Permit the vaulted gold to increase in value

You’ve said enough to reveal human imperfections
I’ve the hard earned, learned maturity to accept them
Not try to master or correct them.

Learned a lot, forlorn, a pile of bones on the treeless peak
Stripped skeleton, picked clean by vultures and bleached by Himalayan suns
Dead enough to be regenerated
Learn the regrets of youth while mothering alone-
Amity isn’t seeing just the latent potential, the best, what might be
Chose to love the underdeveloped, ugly rest
If I’d do it again I’d make my consort a choice, not Nature’s lust
Find consummation in accepting you just as you are
Who is inclined to encounter and return the favor?

Mountains and Sea

Rainclouds gather like blue shadows along my window view
Making the pink of the flower petals heighten their hue
I soon thought I’d be with you, on a free morning
You chose to close your shutters, profess to forget
Water the garden of deep retrospect
I hope you regret, when the sky unfastens above you
Torrents of my electricity, your imploding thunder
I need to be near mountains and water

Stare for hours at the sea
Sit in your presence, fall at your feet to listen
Made to carry you like a vessel
Hugging precious porcelain against browned skin
Filled to the brim, soothe this thirst
Look upon you like a sorceress,
Investigate the imminent prospect, water falling
Stroke you with my fingertips, thrill at the slightest ripple knowing

Cool my heat w/ a bath
Jump under a wave and pleasure splash
Frolic in your ocean foam
Sand falling off all the way home

Answers in the desert

Avoid the truth like a drinker avoids the morning mirror
Change the routine like dirty bedding
The day like a new neighborhood cafe
So casual, so meaningless
Its nothing at all, just a day

The days add up into a new ruling hegemony
The old world has slowly taken over the decay
Aliens have established and smashed the old relics
you’re nowhere to be found
Possibly an old femur, skull or medallion
buried under layers of forgotten civilizations
Uncovered, exposed like a fragrant song
like incense, a holy shroud
Crumbles into dust at my fingertips

If only you could last the final analysis
Not of books or mind, microscopes or even past experience
I destroyed the lab long ago and laid in the mess of it, dreaming
Solve all our problems while we rest
Answer me there with the old scrolls in the desert cave of a new day

Reoccurring Dream

Be comforted relearning forgotten languages
Burn your pride w/blushing shame
Having your tongue unable to form the most basic of sounds
Mind cloudy from foreign tongues
A walking tower of babbling confusion

Eventually the weight melts w/ the pride
All the impurities milled out
The remains are pure, child-like tears of silver

Reoccurring dream always traveling
Missed the train escalator on the right plane to London
Another plane, cruel players in the station
Familiar nocturnal neighborhoods
Upper middle class hills driving around their mazes
Is it my neighbor or me?
Is it my home or the one I’d like it to be?

Reoccurring life theme, freedom or settling
Travels and getting lost in between

That feeling near panic
Like when you child, lose your mother in a crowd of strangers
Miss the plane to dream destiny
I speak your language fluently in my dream
Sprinkle the pillow w/silver linings

The neighborhood caliph

The neighborhood caliph also rushes down the stairs
Throw out the week’s collective dregs
Catch the stench for a swift moment
Open kitchen cabinets share shared domestic treasures
Clutter of another resembles slightly
Intimate tight spaces, precious medicinal elixirs
Spoon feed me
I’m self- conscious and slightly uncomfortable
Being so closely observed from your throne
Wonder what thoughts flutter like cloud birds
Like reef fish swimming through your water born crown
As you watch me mother another

Our accumulative experience fails us
No one dare disturb the water
Like a meeting of sky and sea, brewing tempest
Start a small war
The youth in me grows restless for revolution
Tearing down walls of current rulers, craving chaos
Storms of electricity
Redistribute the wealth
Which part of me has been hording all the energy?

I was uber calm, cold like frosted morning windows
I can’t see anything
Cool my simmering underneath
These past years of mountain top hermitage taught me
All about the weather
Inner climate control calling blizzards in midsummer
Only a superior celestial force could best me
We all know you’re a prince
You’re about to learn I’m a covert sorceress.

Intergalactic otter

Heaven is in your company show me what you know
All the secrets I take it all in
Fill me up before we begin
Born under the cauldron constellation
Star gazing of future sin

Let me linger longer under your sun
Stir warm my winter blood, stay a while
Waiting for you and losing heart to be bold
Detach sitting so close
Like a campfire quickly stamped out in panic
A sacred ice lingam pilgrims risk their lives to see
Frozen pillar of cold penetrability
I fall at your feet fill my empty canteen
I left your cave unconvinced, let down by presumption
Numb I shun evening’s celebrations

If you can’t be mine I’ll avoid future conversations
So I boarded the crystal ship, laid on her slick cold floor
Weep for missed chance at bliss, loves first kiss
Deliver myself from feeling anything
More than willing to hand over my freedom, what I cherish
But you’ve no eye for a pure heart
Still you search and you’re only getting older

I sail away to other waters to admire
Not really marine nor land creature
Not really an earthling, an intergalactic otter finding pearls while I play

Phosphorescence between us

Even inside, the ocean was all around you
Coming off your skin in waves, feeling phosphorescence between us
Breezes and sand between the words
I imagined you more heroic
None of my lust came spilling out
w/just a word I sucked it all in and swallowed
my disappointment like a bitter pill
corked it like a forgotten wine and threw it in the blind cellar

All the years of waiting for first moments
Living pure for such a moment to defile
Choose in advance to lay it all down
Visualize best how I’d like you to instigate tempt
But my hero never came
Lost in another story
No one got the glory
Turn to God again in the end
Find gratitude in tears, tears in the beginning
Rather than the end

You hold the power
With one word you could unleash torrents
You could tear down city walls and resurrect the dead
Your intuition is telling you
Follow where you’re led
Open your mouth and prophecy

Just a small token

Wait for your knock on my door
though you don’t know where to go
send a swift messenger around bed time
let me know I’m in your head
I don’t need a full on declaration, for now
just a small token of hunger

Let me teach you beauty
not w/your eyes, but in your hands, a stirring belly
the quiet voice in your heart that whispers my name, creation
feel more masculine in my woman

Waiting to receive your messengers
wondering where you are
wonder how'd love me imperfectly
the father of my child loved me fully bodily
in his eyes my flawed flesh was divine
I sense your difference
growing fascination to leave all others behind
redefine cosmic allegiances
inner landscapes of mortality

I swear your hesitation is taken as rejection
I have knights, I have Adonis, hot blooded Mediterranean Volcanic fire
waiting in line and its not modesty or honor
that restrains me
its hope in our mutual exclusivity

Happy birthday Mr Ghost

Happy birthday Mr Ghost
You were the best of lovers
Grace under the covers
But not much of a gentleman on your toes

Tonight you will dine not in style
Drown your conscious for a while
Use your wit and wiles on painted smiles
Smother the memory of six years ago
What was done at the foot of the mountain
Unleashing the gurgling fountain of Life
Then leave me like a lonely river fountain
Not much of anything, but hidden
Brackish broken brooke, shallow stream
Connected ever so slightly
To the ocean of everything

Mothering patches of moss and fern on the banks
Silent wood creatures quench their thirst w/thanks
Untouched by humans yet undiscovered
Lonely little river content w/ flowing.

The ghost still hovers like a dark cloud
Dead yet somehow cognizant
Interacting, finding near meaning in haunting others
Poor miser among the shadows I toast your health
Your cloud rained upon me once

Roaving Hunger

Hungry for travel
You speak to me like a confidential
Preplanned itinerary
I’ll tell you step by step destinations, carefully researched
Wet your wandering appetite
We’ve already left, but not together yet
Meet me in fairer weather
I’m free as a bird, freer than you
I travel light
Your packages are many, your baggage heavy
I’ll pay your exceeding weight limit this time
But post them home at the rendez-vous
The open road is waiting
And we are both still young
Our friends receive postcards of the images we call aspiration

Don’t feel guilty

Don’t feel guilty lying here satisfied
Belly breathing head spinning intensified
This moment you question its worth
Write it off tax free
As a public service, to me
To the Universe

As if she needs it
Surrounded by wine and sweets and berries
Art entertainment, children and oceans

Regret it and it’s lost
You’ve put off marriage long enough
To meet the Other
Not the one your with, but me
The mother of your providence
Choose momentary hazard
for a life of love sanctuary

The stillness of a January night

I miss the stillness of a January night
Fresh fallen snow
All clean in the moonlight
Time has stopped
Windows are frozen in twilight

Recall the drive home f/your house
See the empty road so lonely, neighbor asleep in warmth
See the void road in the small crack in my window
Body still warm from recent activity

We talked like youth wishing
To wake with each other
Make a life
And I waited for you to grow up
I grew up w/o you
Grew out of alpine winter clothes
Into foreign maturity
Learning how to mother in exotic country
Now our daughter speaks in Tang dynasty poetry
Her own father a mystery
And I’ve no words to explain
Half of her story
Like palace straw stacked to the ceiling
waiting to be gold spun

The prelude has outlasted the wine

The prelude has outlasted the wine
Its still taking too much time
I smell something burning in the background
Neighbors’ ancestor worship in how they talk together
Your nonsense of not sensing

I’ve loved your image, your eternal boy in a man’s body
I’ve loved your personal discretions
Of lost first marriage
Your insecurity to remarry current party

I’ve forgiven slips and slights of my imperfections
Of how I am not your mirror image
Nor do I strive to be—perfect
Better than a mirror I am me

We are in some ways sharing like personality
Adventurer yogi, Cold War prodigy
Political hegemony
Me the world
You locally

“tho I look up to you , you’ll bow down to me someday
Or my likeness internally
Embrace me sooner than later
For your entirety